BIG-TIME Part II, Oh Yeah, I'm Loaded Now!

Regular readers of this never-to-be-humble blog will remember a previous post where I responded to a letter from Mr. Smith Bowani about some money that he had just lying around waiting for some place to deposit it. Well, no response and I'm getting worried. Today, I received another letter from another gentleman that promises almost half of Mr. Smith Bowani's dead presidents and I am intrigued to say the least.

Here we go.

The Letter: (All grammatical errors are his)

Goodday,
I know this letter will come to you as a surprise; but this letter is borne out
of my desire to establish a mutual business relationship with you,please keep it confidential!.
I am Mr Aliyu Ahmed the son of Dr Ibrahim Ahmed the former deputy
finance minister under the ousted civilian government in Sierra Leone.
My father was killed and mutilated by the military junta led by Major
Paul Koroma after over throwing the elected government of President
Tejan Kabba.
Though, I do not know to what extent you are familiar with events
disturbances in Sierra leone, but the,pressure of war drove me and my mother
out of Sierra Leone into exile in South Africa.Where we have been
living under political asylum for three years.
Sadly, my mother died of cancer three [3] months ago and was buried
here in South Africa. Prior to her death, she handed over to me a
certificate meant for a secret deposit which my father made in a
security/finance company in South Africa. This deposit is worth [US $ 9.000.000.00] Nine Million United States Dollars only. And this money is in cash.
My father made this deposit in the heat of the conflict then in my
country, with the hope to convert it[money] to his personal use at the end
of the war, unfortunately he was killed when the conflict intensified
as result of his opposition to the rebel forces.
After my mother's funeral, I contacted the security company to confirm
this deposit and establish ownership as well made an arrangement for
this deposit to be moved through diplomatic channel to United
Arab Emirates Presently, this sum of U.S$9,000,000.00 (nine million dollars) is
currently being deposited in a security vault in Dubai. I am seeking
for your honest and sincere participation in the retrievement and reinvestment of this
money.
I cannot do it alone due to my complete ignorance of the business
world, more over I am only 27 years old I will give you a negotiable
percentage of the principal sum in deposit if you assist me to retrieve and
reinvest this money in any profitable area of business in your country.
Please, I need your assistance urgently, because the more this
consignment is still with the company, the more the demurrage accumulates.
Contact me through the same email address.
God Bless You,
Thanks yours
Aliyu Ahmed.jnr.

My Obligatory Response:

My Dear Mr. Ahmed,
I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties in life, but you seem to be somewhat of a cry-baby. I am not making one of my standard value judgments here, but just writing back to offer a piece of advice.

Junior, may I call you Junior? You see, here in the United States, we do not take kindly to some little deposed snot-nose writing and whining about how life has been so unfair. While I do understand your deep dismay at losing both of your parents in such a short period of time, I gotta say, "DAMN BOY, QUITCHER BELLY-ACHING!" And two more points; one, if you are going to be a 'Junior', you're supposed to have the same as your father, moron. And two, 'Goodday' is an Australian term, I am from the United States, we say 'howdy', moron.

Junior, your dad was probably some kind of perverted government official that enjoyed making less fortunate others squirm. He probably deserved whatever he got. I promise you this though, he probably didn't e-mail someone with some kinda sob story about needing some place to hide some money that he STOLE from all the hard working people in Sierra Leone. Junior, your dad is probably spinning in his shallow grave somewhere because he was such a failure at raising a "big boy".

It is not everyday that I receive such a letter from a damn old little cry-baby, Junior. Damn son, you are twenty-seven years old. I was a father, owned my own home and had basically been taking care of myself for eleven years at that age. Have you never been out of your parents' back yard? Has your wittle mommy always cut your meat for you? Have you never run barefoot through the whatever y'all run barefoot through over there with a topless young lady? Junior, my advice to you is this; go out to the nearest club, find the hottest little hand maiden you can find, and tell her that you have nine million dollars. I guarantee that you won't have it for long. And I guarantee that you will freely part with your unexpected windfall.

Oh wait, I see now. You're liking you some boys, aren't you? Damn Junior, don't you know that you will wind up getting sick if you are a pillow biter? You know that Sierra Leone is not known for its hygienic sissy boys, don't you?

Anyway, never mind all that. Just send me the damn money. I don't know what the Hell that I'm going to do with it, but I'll try to find some place to store $9 million in cash. I bet the damn shipping alone is going to cost me a damn arm and a leg.

Furthermore, I do not know what the Hell your problems have to do with me, you can't even see Sierra Leone from my trailer. Why in the damn world would anyone want to be the leader of that armpit of civilization? Are y'all stupid or something?

E-mail me back at my spammer mail account and I'll try to figger out something to do with this money. Why just last week I was talking to my Uncle Ned about putting a new deck on my double-wide and he commented that I should go ahead and get one of them car-porches like they sell on TV, too.

When you e-mail me, please remember to send a picture of yourself holding a sign that reads, "I'm a Big-Boy, not a Whiner" and include "Howdy from Mr. Rainbow Fancy-Pants" in the subject line. This will make my response happen much, much quicker.

Thanks for your money,
Two Dogs

I'll keep y'all posted.

UPDATE: Oh, and when you finally get to the States remember THIS which I stole from Armageddon Project. (Hat-Tip and Second-Hand theft: Travis)

UPDATE 2: This post has been linked by IMAO in the Carnival of Comedy. Go check it out.

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