The Interview Meme

Tom at Hamstermotor kneed me in the groin with this meme about two weeks ago and I have been remiss in my answering, so here we go....

1. Your neighbors in the next apartment are having loud screaming hot wild monkey sex. Do you:
a)bang on the wall with a shoe until they shut the hell up,
b) rent a wildlife documentary on hyenas, put a hyena laugh on a loop, and play it over and over throughout the night while screaming "Mommy!"
c)scream "amen!" every time she shouts his name,
d)knock on their door right in the middle of things and yell, "la migra!"?

I have taken the liberty of adding (e)none of the above here. As I have no qualms if you literally want to have sex with monkeys, I do get somewhat pissed if I have to join involuntarily. So, I would politely plunge a chainsaw through the wall at random points until I had their complete attention. I would then say in my meekest voice, "Excuse me, but I am trying to run a meth lab over here."

2. Putin vs. Chirac. Which one would win? Remember that Chirac fights dirty and bites, but Putin has henchmen.

French vs. Soviet. Interesting. I would have to go with the Frenchman because everyone knows the French smell like a kitty litter box and like to kiss men. No self-respecting man would run the risk of having a French dude lick their tonsils, so Chirac by forfeit.

3. Admit it, you've always wanted henchmen. Would you rather have: burly, cartoonish neanderthalic thugs speaking Brooklynese, or beautiful fem-bots that all look like Dr. Rice?

Gotta go with the Dr. Rice fem-bots here. You could always whip out the Naked Crisco Twister mat and let your fem-bots all dressed like Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders pleasure you repeatedly. Not that that is a fantasy of mine.

4. The puddle of blood has barely begun to dry and the body is still warm. Who do you call to take care of your mess: your best friend or your mama?

My best friend always takes care of those little indiscretions. And she looks like Dr. Rice in a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader costume. How ironic.

5. What is the most bizarre and provocative list of five items you can think of? (ex: a garden hose, three liters of pudding, a chicken, and a bicycle pump)

Easy: A rack of car batteries, a parrotfish, an artificial leg with real foot, Science Diet Lamb and Rice dog food, and a plethora of food processor attachments. Yes, I HAVE seen it done and it weren't pretty.

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