Presidential Public Service

Due to some of the comments and e-mails in the past week or so, I decided to let you know whether or not you are allowed to vote in the upcoming National elections. I wish that I could make a checklist, that would make this task so much easier. Remember this is for National Elections, I could not care less for whom you vote locally unless you live next door to me. Yes, then I might have something to say and knowing me, I might even become somewhat adamant about your voting choices. Did I say "adamant?" Make that somewhat "aggressive."

1. If you have ever voted for someone because of their hometown or state, you are no longer allowed to vote.

2. If you have ever voted for someone because of their damn hair or any other physical trait, yes, that means skin color, too, you are no longer allowed to vote.

3. If you have ever voted for someone because of their position on ONE issue, you are no longer allowed to vote.

4. If you have ever voted for someone because they promised any type of government healthcare program, you are no longer allowed to vote.

5. If you have ever voted for someone because of they promised to raise taxes on the "wealthy", you are no longer allowed to vote.

6. If you have ever voted for someone because they said that we would develop alternate forms of energy, you are no longer allowed to vote.

7. If you have ever voted for someone named "Kennedy", you are no longer allowed to vote.

8. If you ever uttered the words, "I didn't have to pay taxes this year, I got money back." you are no longer allowed to vote.

9. If you don't know the difference between gross pay and net pay, you are no longer allowed to vote.

10. If you try to figure out whether you can finance the 45 dollars additional per month for your 52" plasma television based on what your paycheck is, you are no longer allowed to vote.

11. If you ever thought about filing for bancruptcy to keep from paying your student loan debt, you are no longer allowed to vote.

12. If you have more than three kids and get child support from more than three places, you are no longer allowed to vote.

13. If you failed the GED, you are no longer allowed to vote.

14. If you ever voted for someone that served in Vietnam, received three Purple Hearts in record time, yet never missed a day of service, and then lied to a Congressional hearing about what they did in Vietnam, you are no longer allowed to vote.

I am sure that I can keep making these rules, too. If any of these describe you, please discontinue voting and stop by the Health Department. You will be making a permanent deposit there of your reproductive organs. I will make sure that we break this cycle of government dependency if it kills you.

Footnote: I have some fans that fail to comment, but they think that it is increasingly funny to drop me all kinds of nasty e-mails. I assure those people that I do have plenty of skymiles that I have no problem using to simply drop by your home, with the law and convince them to stop sending me stuff. And I will publish your e-mail, your home address, and if I make a couple of inquiries, your bank account and credit card numbers and pin codes. Personally, I would find that very, very funny.